How many times have we told our kids to do something and they refused or cried and said, "I don't want to!"? And how many times have we stuck to our guns and told them that they HAD to do what we said? Did their reaction increase or decrease when you just repeated the direction? With my 4, almost 5-year old, his dramatic reaction ALWAYS increases!
Me (trying to swallow as much caffeine as possible:
"I need you to get dressed so we can go to school."
Son (running around naked): I don't want to get dressed!
Me: I know BUT you have to go to school.
Son: NOOOOOOOOOOOO (screaming)
Me: Please buddy, work with me here. You need to put on your clothes.
Son: throws whatever is nearby, charging at me
This had been our typical interaction for a long time, especially coming out of lockdown. UNTIL I learned about reflecting on his feelings, sitting with them, and not saying BUT.... I read a book called, No Drama Discipline, that gave this analogy to the situation above: You come home after a long day and need to complain/vent to your partner about a situation. You just want to feel heard and supported. Your partner says, "That does suck. But if you had just done this or that it would've been better."
That response does NOT help, and if you are like me, it made everything MUCH worse.
The book explains this is exactly what happens with our kids - but worse because rarely can they control their impulses.
To diffuse the tantrum, drama, hyper-emotional reaction, reflect how they are feeling: "Oh wow! I see you are really angry! You are angry because you are tired and want to stay home and not go to school." And then stop talking. Be present with them. Show them what a calm body looks like. Then help them learn the valuable skill of PROBLEM SOLVING: "How can I help you? It seems like we have a problem: you don't want to get dressed and go to school, but I won't be able to stay home with you. How can I help you?" Then stop talking. Acknowledge any ideas they have. Counter them with your own ideas. Already you will notice that their reaction is much calmer (or is beginning to calm down). When children are calm and feel heard, you will see positive results.
Now, for me, mornings are still hectic, there is still not enough caffeine, and no one wants to get going. The main difference: so much less screaming and drama.
I bring this knowledge into my therapy sessions. When I have a kiddo hiding under the table, I work on my connection with them by empathizing and reflecting on what I see the child experiencing. No requirement to participate. No compliance-based therapy. My goal is to help kiddos communicate, and I cannot help them if they are unwell, unhappy, disregulated, sick, etc. Their emotions and state of mind need to be cared for FIRST.
Comments